hey! so, long time, no blog. there’s a reason! i have something that is way worse than writer’s block. i don’t even know what to call it. i guess a case of the blahs, feeling uninspiring and uninspired to write. i am not depressed, but i’m just super bummed out lately and can’t even bring myself to ramble here on the ol’ blog. it’s so unlike me!
just so you know, this post is probably going to be a little whiny. i am not after sympathy.. i just feel like i need to get some stuff off my chest and also explain why i have been MIA. it’s probably not important to you, but it is to me. yep.
i have a huge lump in my throat more often than not lately. i am just sad about my current situation in life, and i think i’m letting it get the best of me. i am typically a super optimistic person! i look on the bright side and help pull people out of funks. i love to motivate and inspire and help folks. but when i am the one in the funk, well, it’s not as simple. easier said than done, right? and because i am in said funk, i just don’t feel like blogging.. i don’t have it in me, i guess. i can’t motivate, inspire, and help others when i am feeling like this.
so, what’s bugging me? not anything serious. not anything remotely severe or tragic. i hate being a grown up right now.. having to be responsible and pay bills and work all week can sometimes be the pits.
can we just not adult today? please?
so.. my deal is that i am sad that i am not a stay at home mom. that sounds so silly, i know. but it’s really getting to me lately! let me explain a bit. i guess this could technically be part of my first time mom series, because it’s a whole new set of emotions i am having to deal with as a first time mom.
i was able to take fox to work with me from the time i returned to work (he was 6 weeks) until he was almost 7 months old. that was a-maz-ing! he wasn’t too big of a handful and i was able to get my work done and i got to see him all day and i didn’t have to pump (i was able to breast feed him instead) and all was right in the world.
a little over a month ago, fox started staying home, either with his dad, the nanny, or my mom. it was hard for me to go all day without seeing him. i missed him so much. i felt like i was missing SO many fun and exciting parts of his day and just enjoying him.. he’s super fun to hang out with. and it sucked so bad to have to be hooked up to the breast pump a few times a day. pumping is a pain in the butt and i would much rather feed my baby directly. and it’s depressing that i don’t get to. i hate pumping.
oh, also, i had been working out after work when fox would go with me. but after fox started staying home, i basically stopped working out because i would get home from work around 5 and only had about an hour and a half before fox went to bed! and sometimes he is napping during that time.. so i just stare at him sleeping and wish he would wake up.. haha, creepy mom.
i did not want to spend that time between work and bedtime at the gym. even though i know working out is important and good for me, seeing my son was way, way, way more important and good for me.
so my focus has basically been work and fox, work and fox, work and fox, with a little focus thrown marshall’s way, but not nearly enough. and zero focus on anything i USED to focus on.. like a social life, blogging, eating well, and exercising. i get up for the day, after being up a couple or few times in the night, get ready for work, work, come home, hang out with fox until he goes to bed, eat dinner, and then go to bed myself. it’s a wild life i lead, i know. i don’t mind it for the most part, i am okay being boring, but i am not taking care of ME.. and that’s a problem.
i have recently felt really run down and blah about things. my nutrition, to put it bluntly, sucks. you guys, i am a shit show!! you should see the way i eat, it’s ridiculous. and for some reason i can’t find the motivation to eat well. it’s weird. i used to have awesome willpower and focused on eating well. not anymore. i literally tell myself out loud to get my shit together in the eating department, yet i just don’t. i blame the sleep deprivation.. haha.. that’s my story and i am sticking to it.
then there’s the lack of exercising. i sit at my desk all day and exercise is not a priority. i try to walk more, but i don’t have many places to walk to. i would love to try to work out in the morning, except after being up and nursing twice a night, i am just too tired to go to the gym at 5 AM before work. trust me, i’ve tried. so going to the gym got tossed by the wayside because hanging out with my baby is way cooler. and for some reason, it’s easier for me to eat bad when i am not working out.
and.. because of all this.. i am not blogging about meals & moves because i promise you don’t want to hear about chickfila nuggets, gallons of dr. pepper, and me sitting on my butt.
so, back to the timeline of things.
i still was able to take fox to work with me on wednesdays, because we didn’t have child care lined up yet. while it got super hard to both work and look after fox, i still was so happy to have him with me once a week. i embraced those days because i knew they were numbered. every day that i didn’t have him at work with me sucked and i just counted down the minutes until i got home.
this past month, i knew it needed to be the end of bringing him.. even just once a week. it just wasn’t fair to him—he needs lots of interaction, attention, etc. so yesterday was his last day at my office. i soaked it up. we had a fun day. and i even got my work done.
then today i went into work and saw all the baby gear around my office, and i realized i needed to pack it up and take it all home.
i looked at the clock and realized it was time to pump.. once again. ugh.
and then… i just burst into tears! it was really unexpected, and i guess i had been suppressing those feelings. i mean, i knew i was sad, but not burst-into-tears sad.
i think everything just caught up with me in that moment. not seeing fox. having to be away from him more than being with him. missing SO much of his life. seeing no light at the end of the tunnel. feeling overwhelmed that i only have time for work and then barely any time for my baby and zero time for anything else. always feeling tired and run down and not wanting to take care of myself because i am more concerned with spending quality time with my son.
and i should mention.. i was frustrated last night when i was trying to get dressed in my old summer clothes (from the summer of 2013, before i was pregnant) because it was 80 degrees and we were going to a BBQ. while i am fine with the fact that my body isn’t what it used to be, it’s never fun to try on 2942 things, only to have nothing fit because you are 8 months post-partum with no time to exercise and no will power or desire to eat well. and when i DO exercise, it’s flipping HARD for me. i am just out of shape and frustrated.
so, yeah, everything just caught up with me today. and hit me pretty hard. so i just had a pity party of sorts.
i KNOW that last part is insignificant and i can buy new clothes and one day i will be where i was.. but i am human. and i would be lying if i said it didn’t suck in that moment. it does suck sometimes. and right now i don’t even have a game plan to get back in shape because seeing fox for the few hours a day that i get to is top priority to me. it’s what is important. not going to the gym. and of course that means i am out of shape and while that does bug me, it doesn’t bug me enough to take time away from hanging out with fox.
but, to be honest, the exercise part of this equation is the least of my concerns. i mentioned it because, well, this is a food & fitness blog. or it was at one point, haha. i am mainly just pissed off i only see my baby a few hours a day and i don’t get to be the one seeing him learn and grow all day and i have to rely on photos and videos being sent to me rather than seeing him with my own eyes. my awesome nanny told me he cuddled with her for 45 minutes today. ugh. he should be cuddling with me.. i’m just so sad.
i know there are 24 hours in a day and i can figure out how to utilize those better. i see so many moms out there (with more than one kid!) that find time to work full time, exercise, eat well, hang out with their husbands, see their friends and family, and play with their kids. and i am guessing they also find time to sleep? HOW?! i guess i haven’t figured out how to do it all. as a first time mom, it’s very new to me and i am clearly not catching on quickly. i need to figure out how to juggle! obviously people can do it, i need to get it together and figure out how. some days are great for me. some days i get to see fox quite a bit and i see my friends and/or family and i clean the house and i exercise and i make dinner and i feel like super woman. but most days.. not the case.
in reality, i never expected being a working mom to be something so hard on me. i knew i would have to still work going into this whole parenting thing, and i thought it would not be a big deal. but, holy crap, it is. the sadness has hit me like a ton of bricks. it weighs heavily on my heart. i love my job, i do, and i am grateful to have such an amazing job. i value my position and i know others aren’t as fortunate to have a steady job and income. i am in no way complaining about it because as far as jobs go, mine is rad. but, while i love my job a whole lot, i love being fox’s mom more than anything in the whole wide world, and missing out on so much of that is just eating away at me. and i feel consumed with all that’s going on. and i most definitely don’t feel inspirational or like my day-to-day is something to write about. so that’s where i am at. that is where i have been. but it is what it is and i gotta pull myself out of it!
but really.. it’s not anything serious or tragic, like i said in the beginning. so, i need to zip it and buck up. i should just be glad i have an amazing job and can help provide for fox, marshall, and myself. (and the dogs!) i am lucky to have understanding bosses that are flexible with me. i have great friends that i can text with even if i don’t have time to see them. i have the best family ever who are so willing to help out. even though it is run down and out of shape and squishy, i still have a healthy, functioning body that i am grateful for. i can take walks, i can go to the park (we went on a family walk tonight!), i can find time to exercise when fox is asleep (which i actually did tonight..even though i should probably sleep.) i have the knowledge of good nutrition and i can muster up some willpower and get back on track. i can and i should and dare i say i will?
so i really shouldn’t be so hung up on my situation.. but i am. just having a boohoo moment and writing about it, oddly enough, has already helped. that last paragraph especially. it’s great to write it out and be positive. i am usually such a look-on-the-bright side gal. so i am trying to just be optimistic and see the good. because, really, there IS good in every situation. right?
magnets i have hanging in my office :)
so.. that is where i have been. in a funk, feeling sorry for myself. being frustrated about shit. i am human, it happens. but i also know it needs to stop.. and i need to snap out of it. and just be grateful. because i am. and i really don’t have it bad at all. i realize that and i don’t mean to sound as though i think have it rough. i just like to be honest with you guys (and with myself!)
plus, i have this guy..
and, one last thing, this print momma b gave me. i have it hanging in my office along with the magnets of sayings and photos of fox that i’ve posted above. it’s a good reminder.
i’m just here to love everyone and eat good food.
thanks for reading! i know it was out of the ordinary for me.. but every once in awhile i just have to be straight up and let it all out! hopefully my next post won’t be as deep and dumb. i am just in a funk. it will pass. ;)
1. how do you snap out of a funk?
2. what is one of your favorite quotes/sayings?
xo. janetha g.