where i’ve been.

by Janetha on April 30, 2015

in day job,deep thoughts,fox

hey! so, long time, no blog. there’s a reason! i have something that is way worse than writer’s block. i don’t even know what to call it. i guess a case of the blahs, feeling uninspiring and uninspired to write. i am not depressed, but i’m just super bummed out lately and can’t even bring myself to ramble here on the ol’ blog. it’s so unlike me!

just so you know, this post is probably going to be a little whiny. i am not after sympathy.. i just feel like i need to get some stuff off my chest and also explain why i have been MIA. it’s probably not important to you, but it is to me. yep.

i have a huge lump in my throat more often than not lately. i am just sad about my current situation in life, and i think i’m letting it get the best of me. i am typically a super optimistic person! i look on the bright side and help pull people out of funks. i love to motivate and inspire and help folks. but when i am the one in the funk, well, it’s not as simple. easier said than done, right? and because i am in said funk, i just don’t feel like blogging.. i don’t have it in me, i guess. i can’t motivate, inspire, and help others when i am feeling like this.

so, what’s bugging me? not anything serious. not anything remotely severe or tragic. i hate being a grown up right now.. having to be responsible and pay bills and work all week can sometimes be the pits.

can we just not adult today? please?

so.. my deal is that i am sad that i am not a stay at home mom. that sounds so silly, i know. but it’s really getting to me lately! let me explain a bit. i guess this could technically be part of my first time mom series, because it’s a whole new set of emotions i am having to deal with as a first time mom.

i was able to take fox to work with me from the time i returned to work (he was 6 weeks) until he was almost 7 months old. that was a-maz-ing! he wasn’t too big of a handful and i was able to get my work done and i got to see him all day and i didn’t have to pump (i was able to breast feed him instead) and all was right in the world.

a little over a month ago, fox started staying home, either with his dad, the nanny, or my mom. it was hard for me to go all day without seeing him. i missed him so much. i felt like i was missing SO many fun and exciting parts of his day and just enjoying him.. he’s super fun to hang out with. and it sucked so bad to have to be hooked up to the breast pump a few times a day. pumping is a pain in the butt and i would much rather feed my baby directly. and it’s depressing that i don’t get to. i hate pumping.

oh, also, i had been working out after work when fox would go with me. but after fox started staying home, i basically stopped working out because i would get home from work around 5 and only had about an hour and a half before fox went to bed! and sometimes he is napping during that time.. so i just stare at him sleeping and wish he would wake up.. haha, creepy mom.

i did not want to spend that time between work and bedtime at the gym. even though i know working out is important and good for me, seeing my son was way, way, way more important and good for me.

so my focus has basically been work and fox, work and fox, work and fox, with a little focus thrown marshall’s way, but not nearly enough. and zero focus on anything i USED to focus on.. like a social life, blogging, eating well, and exercising. i get up for the day, after being up a couple or few times in the night, get ready for work, work, come home, hang out with fox until he goes to bed, eat dinner, and then go to bed myself. it’s a wild life i lead, i know. i don’t mind it for the most part, i am okay being boring, but i am not taking care of ME.. and that’s a problem.

i have recently felt really run down and blah about things. my nutrition, to put it bluntly, sucks. you guys, i am a shit show!! you should see the way i eat, it’s ridiculous. and for some reason i can’t find the motivation to eat well. it’s weird. i used to have awesome willpower and focused on eating well. not anymore. i literally tell myself out loud to get my shit together in the eating department, yet i just don’t. i blame the sleep deprivation.. haha.. that’s my story and i am sticking to it.

then there’s the lack of exercising. i sit at my desk all day and exercise is not a priority. i try to walk more, but i don’t have many places to walk to. i would love to try to work out in the morning, except after being up and nursing twice a night, i am just too tired to go to the gym at 5 AM before work. trust me, i’ve tried. so going to the gym got tossed by the wayside because hanging out with my baby is way cooler. and for some reason, it’s easier for me to eat bad when i am not working out.

and.. because of all this.. i am not blogging about meals & moves because i promise you don’t want to hear about chickfila nuggets, gallons of dr. pepper, and me sitting on my butt.

so, back to the timeline of things.

i still was able to take fox to work with me on wednesdays, because we didn’t have child care lined up yet. while it got super hard to both work and look after fox, i still was so happy to have him with me once a week. i embraced those days because i knew they were numbered. every day that i didn’t have him at work with me sucked and i just counted down the minutes until i got home.

this past month, i knew it needed to be the end of bringing him.. even just once a week. it just wasn’t fair to him—he needs lots of interaction, attention, etc. so yesterday was his last day at my office. i soaked it up. we had a fun day. and i even got my work done.

then today i went into work and saw all the baby gear around my office, and i realized i needed to pack it up and take it all home.

i looked at the clock and realized it was time to pump.. once again. ugh.

and then… i just burst into tears! it was really unexpected, and i guess i had been suppressing those feelings. i mean, i knew i was sad, but not burst-into-tears sad.

i think everything just caught up with me in that moment. not seeing fox. having to be away from him more than being with him. missing SO much of his life. seeing no light at the end of the tunnel. feeling overwhelmed that i only have time for work and then barely any time for my baby and zero time for anything else. always feeling tired and run down and not wanting to take care of myself because i am more concerned with spending quality time with my son.

and i should mention.. i was frustrated last night when i was trying to get dressed in my old summer clothes (from the summer of 2013, before i was pregnant) because it was 80 degrees and we were going to a BBQ. while i am fine with the fact that my body isn’t what it used to be, it’s never fun to try on 2942 things, only to have nothing fit because you are 8 months post-partum with no time to exercise and no will power or desire to eat well. and when i DO exercise, it’s flipping HARD for me. i am just out of shape and frustrated.

so, yeah, everything just caught up with me today. and hit me pretty hard. so i just had a pity party of sorts.

i KNOW that last part is insignificant and i can buy new clothes and one day i will be where i was.. but i am human. and i would be lying if i said it didn’t suck in that moment. it does suck sometimes. and right now i don’t even have a game plan to get back in shape because seeing fox for the few hours a day that i get to is top priority to me. it’s what is important. not going to the gym. and of course that means i am out of shape and while that does bug me, it doesn’t bug me enough to take time away from hanging out with fox.

but, to be honest, the exercise part of this equation is the least of my concerns. i mentioned it because, well, this is a food & fitness blog. or it was at one point, haha. i am mainly just pissed off i only see my baby a few hours a day and i don’t get to be the one seeing him learn and grow all day and i have to rely on photos and videos being sent to me rather than seeing him with my own eyes. my awesome nanny told me he cuddled with her for 45 minutes today. ugh. he should be cuddling with me.. i’m just so sad.

i know there are 24 hours in a day and i can figure out how to utilize those better. i see so many moms out there (with more than one kid!) that find time to work full time, exercise, eat well, hang out with their husbands, see their friends and family, and play with their kids. and i am guessing they also find time to sleep? HOW?! i guess i haven’t figured out how to do it all. as a first time mom, it’s very new to me and i am clearly not catching on quickly. i need to figure out how to juggle! obviously people can do it, i need to get it together and figure out how. some days are great for me. some days i get to see fox quite a bit and i see my friends and/or family and i clean the house and i exercise and i make dinner and i feel like super woman. but most days.. not the case.

in reality, i never expected being a working mom to be something so hard on me. i knew i would have to still work going into this whole parenting thing, and i thought it would not be a big deal. but, holy crap, it is. the sadness has hit me like a ton of bricks. it weighs heavily on my heart. i love my job, i do, and i am grateful to have such an amazing job. i value my position and i know others aren’t as fortunate to have a steady job and income.  i am in no way complaining about it because as far as jobs go, mine is rad. but, while i love my job a whole lot, i love being fox’s mom more than anything in the whole wide world, and missing out on so much of that is just eating away at me. and i feel consumed with all that’s going on. and i most definitely don’t feel inspirational or like my day-to-day is something to write about. so that’s where i am at. that is where i have been. but it is what it is and i gotta pull myself out of it!

but really.. it’s not anything serious or tragic, like i said in the beginning. so, i need to zip it and buck up. i should just be glad i have an amazing job and can help provide for fox, marshall, and myself. (and the dogs!) i am lucky to have understanding bosses that are flexible with me. i have great friends that i can text with even if i don’t have time to see them. i have the best family ever who are so willing to help out. even though it is run down and out of shape and squishy, i still have a healthy, functioning body that i am grateful for. i can take walks, i can go to the park (we went on a family walk tonight!), i can find time to exercise when fox is asleep (which i actually did tonight..even though i should probably sleep.) i have the knowledge of good nutrition and i can muster up some willpower and get back on track. i can and i should and dare i say i will?

so i really shouldn’t be so hung up on my situation.. but i am. just having a boohoo moment and writing about it, oddly enough, has already helped. that last paragraph especially. it’s great to write it out and be positive. i am usually such a look-on-the-bright side gal. so i am trying to just be optimistic and see the good. because, really, there IS good in every situation. right?

magnets i have hanging in my office :)

so.. that is where i have been. in a funk, feeling sorry for myself. being frustrated about shit. i am human, it happens. but i also know it needs to stop.. and i need to snap out of it. and just be grateful. because i am. and i really don’t have it bad at all. i realize that and i don’t mean to sound as though i think have it rough. i just like to be honest with you guys (and with myself!)

plus, i have this guy..

love him.

and, one last thing, this print momma b gave me. i have it hanging in my office along with the magnets of sayings and photos of fox that i’ve posted above. it’s a good reminder.

i’m just here to love everyone and eat good food.

thanks for reading! i know it was out of the ordinary for me.. but every once in awhile i just have to be straight up and let it all out! hopefully my next post won’t be as deep and dumb. i am just in a funk. it will pass. ;)


1. how do you snap out of a funk?

2. what is one of your favorite quotes/sayings?

xo. janetha g.

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Heidi May 1, 2015 at 7:48 pm

It took almost 3 years for my dream of becoming a mommy to come true. My baby boy Luca will be 14 months old tomorrow and has been in daycare full time since he was 6 months old. Not only is he in daycare for 7+ hours a day, but our commute home has been at least an hour due to horrible traffic. Needless to say, I cry a LOT. I have SEVERAL pity parties for myself. Like you, I try to focus on the positive, but I have been having a really hard time pulling myself away from my negative thoughts. My little man is my world and he chose me to be his mommy. I would do anything to be home with him! It will work out. You are doing the best that you can and your precious boy loves you more than anything!!!

SuzanneW May 1, 2015 at 8:24 pm

Wow. I am anticipating feeling your pain. I am 37 weeks pregnant today. I am working full-time and will return to work when the baby is 9 weeks old. It is going to be heart-wrenching! I have fabulous daycare lined up. I am more dreading pumping at work. I anticipate me crying in my cubicle the first week back when I return. My mother worked full-time. She was a 4th grade teacher. I admired the hell out of her for it. I have memories being at daycare. I remember having a great time. Being in daycare taught me to be independent, to make friends and to be comfortable in new environments. Skills that still serve me today. I want those same life skills instilled in my daughter. We were not rich growing up but by my mother working we took fun family vacations in the summer and was able to provide me with a college education and my parents never had to worry about money.

I also remember my mom taking time for herself to exercise. Granted it was the early 80’s and she exercised to Jane Fonda records…Anyway, you will get back to a regular exercise routine. Don’t stress too much about that. Taking time for you will help you be a better Mom. Again, you will get back to it.

The best thing to get out of a funk?? ….Read all of these supportive comments. Great stuff here :)

Autumn May 2, 2015 at 2:34 am

OH EM GEE!! Did I just write this??? At the risk of sounding like a total creeper, I have been reading your blog for years, but never felt the need to comment. Until now.
Words can not describe how much I can relate to this. I have a 3 y/o (as of Monday. When did that happen?!) and 1 y/o (13 month) twins. All boys. I work full time and my husband stays home. I have the higher degree, and make more money, so that’s how it worked out. I have technically been a working mom for 3 years. I hate it. I used to love my job. I now despise it. I, sadly, resent my husband a little for it as well. When I first went back to work, I chalked up the roller coaster of emotions to the baby blues. Those fuckers hit me hard. But I still feel the same. Maybe worse now. I feel like my kids barely know me. I can’t begin to tell you how much guilt I have for not being able to spend more time with them. I work from 8-6 M-F. I barely have enough time shower on a daily basis – how can I work out? I wouldn’t even THINK about spending another second away from my kids just to exercise! I’d never gone longer than a week without working out, but now I haven’t worked out in 3 yrs. When I did, my milk supply would drop, so I said “nope!” I’ve never eaten this bad in my entire life. I hate my body, but at the same time don’t care either.
What’s the point of telling you all of this? To let you know that you’re not alone, yes, but I know that doesn’t help much. My main reason is to say thank you. I’m in a bigger funk than usual at the moment, and it was kind of therapeutic to read the exact words I’ve been feeling.
To be honest, I’ve been jealous of you while reading your blog lately cuz you seemed to be doing it all, plus blogging, without a problem. I know I shouldn’t make comparisons to “internet people”, but I can’t help it. I felt like every other mom is super mom – able to do the necessary, daily things, plus hobbies and ‘me time’. I’m lucky if I can eat lunch or dinner. I question my abilities as a mother on a daily basis. I often resent my husband for being able to see all the milestones and get all the kisses and snuggles. I probably focus way too much on the negative, which I know isn’t healthy, but I also feel like I can’t help it. I could go on and on, but this is more than enough I supoose. Anyway…thank you for this.
P.S. I pumped at work (and midnight every night) for the entire first year. I think I cried all but 5 or 6 times whenever I would pump. The flux of hormones when pumping don’t do these feelings we’re dealing with any favors!

Rachel May 2, 2015 at 9:07 am

Ohhh honey, I feel so sad for you. I cannot imagine.
Confession: I am a stay-at-home mom and some days I am jealous of working moms. I know I am not the only SAHM that feels this way either! Not because I love to work, but because they actually get adult human interaction. It is an isolating, lonely, boring job some days, honestly. There have been several days where I’ve cried because I just want some women to talk to!!! I love my baby girl to pieces, but sometimes it’s nice to have a break, too.
So I guess my point of this comment was, well, there are pros and cons to both. But I am thinking of you and I do hope you are able to balance everything in a way that makes you and your family happy. :)

lindsey May 2, 2015 at 11:06 am

YES. I’m in the same boat :) My husband doesn’t understand that if I can come and go from the house as I please, hang out in PJs, play all day, and sleep in, what’s to complain about?? I really miss the hustle and bustle of the work grind and feeling like I’m using my brain to learn new things and make an impact on the world (as much as I can) but it’s easy to forget that what we’re doing at home is just that. but it’s a huge sacrifice to the needs we need as a human being to make sure that we are doing what we feel is best for our family and children. so lonely some days but I wouldn’t trade it! and I’ve found that finding other SAHMs to have your kids play with while you talk to adults can help a bit :)

andrea May 3, 2015 at 7:40 am

I don’t think there is anything silly about the way you are feeling. You articulated the struggle so well. There is such value in being home with your baby full time at least4 the first year and society doesn’t value it and we are trained to believe a substitute caregiver is just as good as the mom being with their child and you’re right is not… something will have to suffer and if it’s exercise for a bit then so be it. You can go on nice evening stroll with your baby that’s be nice and a workout too!

Denise May 3, 2015 at 7:47 am

Love your honesty. It’s hard either way… Working, staying at home or a combo of both…… The hormones are OUTRAGEOUS….. My son is 20 & my daughteris 15… All I can say is you WILL persevere and your funk will pass …… Hold on to what you love , accept help when offered, hug and kiss your baby and husband at very opportunity and breathe deeply. Love your blog and all of your posts….

Krista May 3, 2015 at 10:26 am

You can do this and it will get easier!! I am older than you and my kids are now 10 and almost 14 but I have always been a working mom as well. If it makes you feel any better, my kids are very well rounded, well adjusted, social little humans : ) The guilt we place on ourselves is much worse than what are kids are experiencing having a working mom! Fox won’t even remember this time and he will just be adjusted to it because that how his family works, as a team. Don’t let others make you feel guilty either, taking care of your family is much more than being able to be a SAHM!! Hang in there!! I love your honesty and you have the most adorable little guy around that loves you more than anything in the world!!!!!!

erpie May 3, 2015 at 10:56 am

I’ve never in three years of reading been tempted to leave a comment, but here I am. I have a five year old and am pregnant with my second. I work full time and am just about done my accounting designation ( huge time suck!). I was recently thinking about how to handle my return to work after mat leave this time around, planning etc.
My point here is, only in hindsight did I realize how HARD it was to go back to work. I love working, my husband makes less etc etc. But about six months after returning after kid #1 I realized I was MISERABLE. I equate returning to work now with a bit of a grieving process. Grief over the lost connection with your baby and all that time together. Hindsight, all I can say is let yourself feeeeeel the grief and process it properly. Don’t repress :)
Part of my planning for number two will be managing this emotional stage better. I know it feels like sacrilege to spend time away working out etc but in the long run its better for you, AND your baby. Or combine it w baby time. Make sure you look after yourself, so that you are able to look after the lovelies in your life :)
Take care! Persevere! Talk to your friends!

Alyssa May 3, 2015 at 11:52 am

I could have written this post, probably not as well but you said everything I feel. My little guy is 7 months and I’ve been back at work since 3 months and it sucks. The other day I got to work and cried Bc I missed him so much. Like you, I try so hard to be grateful for the good, and I am, but seeing him for an hour and a half and then bedtime blows. The weekends fly by and I feel like I can’t even enjoy him enough Bc I still have to clean, get groceries, do laundry, cook, etc, etc. pumping REALLY sucks. Don’t get me started. I have insane envy toward SAHMs. I try not to because it’s pointless but I am so so so jealous they get to spend every waking moment with their kids, and then some seem to not even enjoy it and complain and I would give anything for that opportunity. Next kid, I’m moving to Canada. My husband thinks I’m joking. I’m not.

Alyssa May 3, 2015 at 11:57 am

Oh, and I’m with you on the being up half the night. If one more person asks me “why haven’t you sleep trained yet?” I will end them.

Gina May 3, 2015 at 6:47 pm

Trust me – I feel your pain! I have an 18 month old and it kills me every day that I get to see him for about 1.5 hours a day during the week. I have a long commute and work long hours. To fit in workouts I get up at 515 and workout before work. I do DVDs at home. I hate it and am exhausted every day but it’s the only time I have. I’m no where near as in shape as I was pre-baby but that’s life. I guess I just wanted to say don’t feel alone. It stinks and unfortunately doesn’t get easier. Maybe there’s some solace in knowing many moms feel the same.

Meg May 3, 2015 at 7:22 pm

This. My story exactly. When I meet moms that get to stay at home I feel so envious. Maybe that’s not “PC” because I should be grateful that I can work but I’m sorry, I’m not! I would MUCH rather be at home with my baby (who was born a week ahead of yours). I can’t think of a better way to spend my time than with my sweet little boy. Thank you for being honest and sharing these struggles. I am right there with you.

Shauna May 4, 2015 at 4:02 pm

Hey girl! You’re a wonderful mother and everyone goes through slums of sadness.. always remember “Life is about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about dancing in the rain!” Your sunshine is your family and beautiful baby boy! :)

Erica May 5, 2015 at 9:07 am

I love your honesty! I’m not a mom, and I’m not even sure that I want to be one at this point, but it’s so nice to get your perspective. I’m currently working towards the career that I really really really want for the rest of my life (in education) and every day I think about how what I imagine my future to be like would change if I had a child. It seems so rewarding and so challenging! You’ve obviously got great self-awareness through it all, and a lot of love to share. I wish you the best, and thanks for sharing!

Janessa May 6, 2015 at 2:29 pm

I totally feel like I could have written this too! With my first baby I took her to work with me until she was a year and balancing everything was absolutely the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I constantly felt I should be grateful that I had her at work but mostly I just felt exhausted, stressed and annoyed that I had to work.
I had our second baby 3 months ago and I have the absolute PRIVILEGE of staying at home, because my husband graduated and can now be the provider. He makes almost exactly what I made, so we have less money and are renting a small apartment, etc. But, after experiencing working with a baby, I am so willing to live ‘poor’ and not buy whatever I want to, like before, just so I can be with my babies. Having two kids under two is crazy hard and obviously being a SAHM isn’t glamorous, but it is soo much simpler and the constant stress is gone. I don’t know if this helps, but I hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel for you, whatever it is. That helped me through the tough days!

Jessica @ Absurd, She Wrote May 8, 2015 at 6:58 am

Late to this post, but still wanted to comment. I feel you SO HARD. I am working from home, but everything you describe is what my husband has expressed about being gone and away from the baby. Thank you for offering me further insight into some of the things he might be feeling about only getting to see our daughter a few hours a day. We have a family goal of getting to a place where we can operate a family business. We’re not looking to be millionaires, just find a lifestyle that affords us financial peace of mind and lots of togetherness.

Don’t apologize for wanting what you want. I’m 6 months PP and I feel like I’m still in a hormonal vortex. It’s hard. Hang in there.

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