hey! so, long time, no blog. there’s a reason! i have something that is way worse than writer’s block. i don’t even know what to call it. i guess a case of the blahs, feeling uninspiring and uninspired to write. i am not depressed, but i’m just super bummed out lately and can’t even bring myself to ramble here on the ol’ blog. it’s so unlike me!
just so you know, this post is probably going to be a little whiny. i am not after sympathy.. i just feel like i need to get some stuff off my chest and also explain why i have been MIA. it’s probably not important to you, but it is to me. yep.
i have a huge lump in my throat more often than not lately. i am just sad about my current situation in life, and i think i’m letting it get the best of me. i am typically a super optimistic person! i look on the bright side and help pull people out of funks. i love to motivate and inspire and help folks. but when i am the one in the funk, well, it’s not as simple. easier said than done, right? and because i am in said funk, i just don’t feel like blogging.. i don’t have it in me, i guess. i can’t motivate, inspire, and help others when i am feeling like this.
so, what’s bugging me? not anything serious. not anything remotely severe or tragic. i hate being a grown up right now.. having to be responsible and pay bills and work all week can sometimes be the pits.
can we just not adult today? please?
so.. my deal is that i am sad that i am not a stay at home mom. that sounds so silly, i know. but it’s really getting to me lately! let me explain a bit. i guess this could technically be part of my first time mom series, because it’s a whole new set of emotions i am having to deal with as a first time mom.
i was able to take fox to work with me from the time i returned to work (he was 6 weeks) until he was almost 7 months old. that was a-maz-ing! he wasn’t too big of a handful and i was able to get my work done and i got to see him all day and i didn’t have to pump (i was able to breast feed him instead) and all was right in the world.
a little over a month ago, fox started staying home, either with his dad, the nanny, or my mom. it was hard for me to go all day without seeing him. i missed him so much. i felt like i was missing SO many fun and exciting parts of his day and just enjoying him.. he’s super fun to hang out with. and it sucked so bad to have to be hooked up to the breast pump a few times a day. pumping is a pain in the butt and i would much rather feed my baby directly. and it’s depressing that i don’t get to. i hate pumping.
oh, also, i had been working out after work when fox would go with me. but after fox started staying home, i basically stopped working out because i would get home from work around 5 and only had about an hour and a half before fox went to bed! and sometimes he is napping during that time.. so i just stare at him sleeping and wish he would wake up.. haha, creepy mom.
i did not want to spend that time between work and bedtime at the gym. even though i know working out is important and good for me, seeing my son was way, way, way more important and good for me.
so my focus has basically been work and fox, work and fox, work and fox, with a little focus thrown marshall’s way, but not nearly enough. and zero focus on anything i USED to focus on.. like a social life, blogging, eating well, and exercising. i get up for the day, after being up a couple or few times in the night, get ready for work, work, come home, hang out with fox until he goes to bed, eat dinner, and then go to bed myself. it’s a wild life i lead, i know. i don’t mind it for the most part, i am okay being boring, but i am not taking care of ME.. and that’s a problem.
i have recently felt really run down and blah about things. my nutrition, to put it bluntly, sucks. you guys, i am a shit show!! you should see the way i eat, it’s ridiculous. and for some reason i can’t find the motivation to eat well. it’s weird. i used to have awesome willpower and focused on eating well. not anymore. i literally tell myself out loud to get my shit together in the eating department, yet i just don’t. i blame the sleep deprivation.. haha.. that’s my story and i am sticking to it.
then there’s the lack of exercising. i sit at my desk all day and exercise is not a priority. i try to walk more, but i don’t have many places to walk to. i would love to try to work out in the morning, except after being up and nursing twice a night, i am just too tired to go to the gym at 5 AM before work. trust me, i’ve tried. so going to the gym got tossed by the wayside because hanging out with my baby is way cooler. and for some reason, it’s easier for me to eat bad when i am not working out.
and.. because of all this.. i am not blogging about meals & moves because i promise you don’t want to hear about chickfila nuggets, gallons of dr. pepper, and me sitting on my butt.
so, back to the timeline of things.
i still was able to take fox to work with me on wednesdays, because we didn’t have child care lined up yet. while it got super hard to both work and look after fox, i still was so happy to have him with me once a week. i embraced those days because i knew they were numbered. every day that i didn’t have him at work with me sucked and i just counted down the minutes until i got home.
this past month, i knew it needed to be the end of bringing him.. even just once a week. it just wasn’t fair to him—he needs lots of interaction, attention, etc. so yesterday was his last day at my office. i soaked it up. we had a fun day. and i even got my work done.
then today i went into work and saw all the baby gear around my office, and i realized i needed to pack it up and take it all home.
i looked at the clock and realized it was time to pump.. once again. ugh.
and then… i just burst into tears! it was really unexpected, and i guess i had been suppressing those feelings. i mean, i knew i was sad, but not burst-into-tears sad.
i think everything just caught up with me in that moment. not seeing fox. having to be away from him more than being with him. missing SO much of his life. seeing no light at the end of the tunnel. feeling overwhelmed that i only have time for work and then barely any time for my baby and zero time for anything else. always feeling tired and run down and not wanting to take care of myself because i am more concerned with spending quality time with my son.
and i should mention.. i was frustrated last night when i was trying to get dressed in my old summer clothes (from the summer of 2013, before i was pregnant) because it was 80 degrees and we were going to a BBQ. while i am fine with the fact that my body isn’t what it used to be, it’s never fun to try on 2942 things, only to have nothing fit because you are 8 months post-partum with no time to exercise and no will power or desire to eat well. and when i DO exercise, it’s flipping HARD for me. i am just out of shape and frustrated.
so, yeah, everything just caught up with me today. and hit me pretty hard. so i just had a pity party of sorts.
i KNOW that last part is insignificant and i can buy new clothes and one day i will be where i was.. but i am human. and i would be lying if i said it didn’t suck in that moment. it does suck sometimes. and right now i don’t even have a game plan to get back in shape because seeing fox for the few hours a day that i get to is top priority to me. it’s what is important. not going to the gym. and of course that means i am out of shape and while that does bug me, it doesn’t bug me enough to take time away from hanging out with fox.
but, to be honest, the exercise part of this equation is the least of my concerns. i mentioned it because, well, this is a food & fitness blog. or it was at one point, haha. i am mainly just pissed off i only see my baby a few hours a day and i don’t get to be the one seeing him learn and grow all day and i have to rely on photos and videos being sent to me rather than seeing him with my own eyes. my awesome nanny told me he cuddled with her for 45 minutes today. ugh. he should be cuddling with me.. i’m just so sad.
i know there are 24 hours in a day and i can figure out how to utilize those better. i see so many moms out there (with more than one kid!) that find time to work full time, exercise, eat well, hang out with their husbands, see their friends and family, and play with their kids. and i am guessing they also find time to sleep? HOW?! i guess i haven’t figured out how to do it all. as a first time mom, it’s very new to me and i am clearly not catching on quickly. i need to figure out how to juggle! obviously people can do it, i need to get it together and figure out how. some days are great for me. some days i get to see fox quite a bit and i see my friends and/or family and i clean the house and i exercise and i make dinner and i feel like super woman. but most days.. not the case.
in reality, i never expected being a working mom to be something so hard on me. i knew i would have to still work going into this whole parenting thing, and i thought it would not be a big deal. but, holy crap, it is. the sadness has hit me like a ton of bricks. it weighs heavily on my heart. i love my job, i do, and i am grateful to have such an amazing job. i value my position and i know others aren’t as fortunate to have a steady job and income. i am in no way complaining about it because as far as jobs go, mine is rad. but, while i love my job a whole lot, i love being fox’s mom more than anything in the whole wide world, and missing out on so much of that is just eating away at me. and i feel consumed with all that’s going on. and i most definitely don’t feel inspirational or like my day-to-day is something to write about. so that’s where i am at. that is where i have been. but it is what it is and i gotta pull myself out of it!
but really.. it’s not anything serious or tragic, like i said in the beginning. so, i need to zip it and buck up. i should just be glad i have an amazing job and can help provide for fox, marshall, and myself. (and the dogs!) i am lucky to have understanding bosses that are flexible with me. i have great friends that i can text with even if i don’t have time to see them. i have the best family ever who are so willing to help out. even though it is run down and out of shape and squishy, i still have a healthy, functioning body that i am grateful for. i can take walks, i can go to the park (we went on a family walk tonight!), i can find time to exercise when fox is asleep (which i actually did tonight..even though i should probably sleep.) i have the knowledge of good nutrition and i can muster up some willpower and get back on track. i can and i should and dare i say i will?
so i really shouldn’t be so hung up on my situation.. but i am. just having a boohoo moment and writing about it, oddly enough, has already helped. that last paragraph especially. it’s great to write it out and be positive. i am usually such a look-on-the-bright side gal. so i am trying to just be optimistic and see the good. because, really, there IS good in every situation. right?
magnets i have hanging in my office :)
so.. that is where i have been. in a funk, feeling sorry for myself. being frustrated about shit. i am human, it happens. but i also know it needs to stop.. and i need to snap out of it. and just be grateful. because i am. and i really don’t have it bad at all. i realize that and i don’t mean to sound as though i think have it rough. i just like to be honest with you guys (and with myself!)
plus, i have this guy..
love him.
and, one last thing, this print momma b gave me. i have it hanging in my office along with the magnets of sayings and photos of fox that i’ve posted above. it’s a good reminder.
i’m just here to love everyone and eat good food.
thanks for reading! i know it was out of the ordinary for me.. but every once in awhile i just have to be straight up and let it all out! hopefully my next post won’t be as deep and dumb. i am just in a funk. it will pass. ;)
Qs~
1. how do you snap out of a funk?
2. what is one of your favorite quotes/sayings?
xo. janetha g.
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oh girl you know i feel for you!!! pumping SUCKS and being away from the baby SUCKS!!!! i mean i can totally relate to this…. i feel like i don’t have time for anything! and when i do have time… i have to put they dishes away or fold the laundry. since the weather has been nice, i have been taking william for walks after school… that’s my “exercise” or sometimes i’ll do a lunge or two around the house when william plays lol i have no magic words of wisdom or even advice… just letting you know that you’re not alone and i can relate. sending love. xoxo
Hang in there Janetha! I worked Mon-Thurs when my first son was born b/c I carried our health insurance and we could not afford for me to stay home. When our second son was born, my husband got a new job so he could carry our health insurance and make more money. Now I am a stay at home mama…things have a way of working out. It’s just hard to wait! Have faith and hang in there!
PS…Pumping does suck and it’s ok to hate it! I did for sure! :-)
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way! I am a mom of three and empathize with you! I help moms just like you to come home. I help families through a trusted business model with a proven track record to get you home. We offer hope! :)
I’m just a lurker but have read your blog for long time. Im staying home wit my 10 month for ask the reasons you are having big feels! It’s hard both ways bc parenting is hard!!! your heart now lives outside your body. Glorious and gut wrenching. I may be a SAHM but it’s donuts, too much coffee and no datell nights or exercise here too.
Just remember you will never be as loved add right now in this moment momma!
So this is kind of a coincidence but I just have to say that just today at work I was checking on your blog and got stuck looking at the pics of your gorgeous family.. It literally made me stop and think of how jealous I am of your life…
I have the exact opposite life as you, single, renting, working just for me and all the time in the world to eat healthy and work out.. BUT I would do anything to switch shoes with you.
I would love to be married to a handsome guy and make some amazingly gorgeous kids, own a home, have a pretty rad job and have my family (mom!) close enough to be a major part of it all.
I know they say each persons life is all perspective because you never know what they’re going through or how they’re feeling.. But honestly, I think you’re doing a pretty amazing job at this life thing.
Working out and eating right has such a huge part of how you feel about said life, which you obviously know.. But just know that there’s people out there that would love to live a life like yours and that are proud of you and who you have become (which sounds creepy but I’ve been creeping on your for forever!)..
Also, thanks for being honest like this! It’s good to see some insight to someone I look up to!
XOXO!
It’s OK to feel these things love. Don’t feel bad. Rant, talk, cry as much as you need to. You’re never alone and your realness inspires others to be real too . Wishing you rest, happiness, and love.
:( :( that empty RNP sent me over the edge. I’m bummed for you!! Ugh don’t worry, something will snap all the sudden and you’ll be able to balance it all. I love you!!!
Janetha,
I have been following your blog for a long time. I follow a lot of blogs, and can I just say this is one of the most HONEST posts I have ever seen. I am sick of seeing these bloggers like “Oh I have 2 kids and I work and I also am a personal trainer on the side and I’m SO in shape and I have date nights with my husband every night and I am SO happy!”. Honestly, that is not reality. Even if you are one of those moms who has “figured out” how to juggle it all, it is NOT all butterflies and roses. I am SO glad that you are showing how it REALLY is. I am not a parent, but even without kids, I find it hard to juggle marriage, work, grad school, and a social life. I APPLAUD you for being a mother and a wife and working full-time. You are a ROCK STAR.
As a fellow mom of “kids who hate sleeping” that sleep deprivation is no joke. It messes with your cortisol levels and all sorts of things. Be kind to yourself and know that things do get easier. Honestly it’s survival mode until they get a little older. I couldn’t get organized enough to really start working out again till my smallest kid was about 2. I say they hate sleeping because now they are older and still hate going to bed!
Cue: The time Janetha’s blog made me cry.
Girl. I feel you 110%. I was a workout junkie until my little man came into the world. Now that I’m a working mama and a single mama to boot, it’s so much more difficult to focus on eating properly and exercising. People ALWAYS ask me why I don’t put Liam in child care at the gym after work so I can workout. The answer? Because I just spent ALL DAY away from my kid at work, the last thing I want to do is ditch him again just to workout. I’ll try and fit that in when he’s asleep but lets be honest, I’m not motivated to workout at home, especially not for long. And when I do have a good workout streak, I get super exhausted because my body is not used to so much exercise OR somebody gets sick and derails everything. I’ve gained so much weight in the last 1.5 years since going back to work after mat leave and I hate it. I hate the body I have and hate that I can’t still work, spend all the time with my boy, and workout hardcore with good eating habits like pre-pregnancy. You’re not alone in this struggle Janetha, I feel this every single day. I just keep telling myself that one day Liam will be older and more dependant and I’ll have a little more time to myself, but today is not that day, and neither is tomorrow.
Sending lots of love XO
Hi!
I looooove your blog. I am in exactly the same place right now, although I didn’t ever get to bring my son to work with me. I am exhausted and pretty sad about not being a stay at home mommy! The first thing I do to get myself out of a funk like this is to try to first not be so hard in myself. It sounds strange, but when you forgive yourself for unhealthy eating and being out of shape, you kind of get your mind ready to focus back on eating healthy and working out, because you’re not so mad or feeling guilty about things. I actually have gained weight lately. I am feeling ready to get out of the funk, but it’s just taken some time and some acceptance of myself in my current place. Good luck and lots of hugs!!
It’s ok to love being a mom, love your kid, and still just feel crappy about things.
Two of the biggest things that’ve helped me, both as far as physical and mental health post partum have been zoloft and stroller strides.
Zoloft helped a lot with the fact that while I wasn’t sad all the time (I love being a mama! I’m genuinely happiest with my tiny human) when I got sad I couldn’t snap out of it easily, like I could before I had her. And crying in front of the baby made me feel like an awful mama. I went on it about 11 months post partum, when I realized the funk I was in was lasting way too long, and it wasn’t going to go away on it’s own.
Stroller Strides is fantastic because dropping her off at gym childcare made me feel like a jerk mama (she’s not a fan. They’d come into the gym and find me. Ugh) but exercise helps with mental health a lot. Going to a mama specific class, where I could have her with me made working out a lot easier. And as cheesy as the idea of hearing motivational things yelled to me while I worked out always seemed hearing an instructor tell me that doing this made us better mamas genuinely is great. Turns out I needed someone reminding me my child needs me healthy and strong, and that I’m showing her important things by exercising. The stroller strides where I live has weekend classes, but I know not all do… But it’s something to look into. Here there’s also baby boot camp and some sort of “mama fit club” type program-I think anything where you can workout and still be with your little is great. (And it’s been AMAZING now that I’m knocked up again to have workouts where someone knows how to scale them to a pregnant lady.)
I understand this struggle and headspace all too well. Our sons are only about 2 months apart ( mines 10 months now.) and I can tell you I’ve been there and still kind of am. I only had 7 weeks of maternity leave and then was back to 40 hours at work. It took me at least 3-4 months being in that routine to feel comfortable. It sucks for now but fortunately it will get easier to balance everything. Pushing through helps try not to think of what your missing, and focus on what you get to experience. You said you’re generally a positive lady so push yourself there. Best of luck! I’ll be routing for you to figure it all out and hear about your little guy!
Nursing and crying over here….and dreading going back to work. Ugh.
This made me cry. I’m originally from Norway, where you get a year of parental leave, and I still can’t get over how messed up the system (or lack thereof) here in the U.S. is. Sending lots of good vibes your way.
Probably your best blog post to date. There’s something about good ole honesty.
I have four grown children. Was going to go back to work with the first one. Couldn’t do it. That decision shaped the rest of our lives. Living poor, constant struggle to make something out of nothing was hard and took it’s toll. One of my kids once told me she wished I had worked and contributed to the economy of the family more because kids at school made fun of her because we were poor. Ugg.
I didn’t have a great caregiver like it sounds you do. And the reality is that when they are little anyone really can care for them. If you are going to be home with them, in looking back, I’m thinking it’s best to be there when they are older and will benefit from their mother’s guidance snd watchful eye.
As I read your post I kept thinking take every opportunity for sunshine, exercise and all the resulting seratonin will give you the boost you will relish in!
When all four of ours were little people would come up to us and say enjoy it now. The time will fly by. With four kids born in five years I had a difficult time imagining it going quickly. When you are in the midst of it you just don’t see it. But now with everyone grown and gone there is ‘another set of feelings.
I say do dome positive self talk. Affirmations help me. For whatever your present situation. I’ll be doing them right along eith you. A different list appropriate for what I’m going thru .but a list still. And I’m here to tell you the list doesn’t get shorter when they are grown. You are always their mother. It is wonderful to have grown children. The relationship with them as adults is so special.
Admire you for working and helping your family. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
As I see some affirmations you are able to say:
I am blessed with a healthy child, good husband and helpful mom.
I am thankful for finding a good nanny for our son.
I am blessed to have a job where I am valued and respected. And that job is flexible and patient and accommodating.
I am thankful for another day to do just one more thing to get my life in balance.
I will get there.
It will all work out.
I will enjoy the time I have eith my son.
I will try to make more time for my marriage. My sin will need to see that his parents are united and string.
And I am thankful for tomorrow to get up and try it sll agsin.
God bless!
Oh Janetha! This post brought it all back- I had all those same feelings. It gets better. I couldn’t get myself to the gym regularly until my daughter was about 2 and then it was limited until she got older. Once she was old enough to enjoy the kids programs at our gym I felt a lot better about it. Although, looking back, I was in a much better head space as a mom on those nights I did get some exercise…hmm.
A couple suggestions, as a fellow first time mom (of almost 9 years, egads! ).
Check out that stroller strides thing posted by k above. Or anything similar that the 2 of you can enjoy together.
Can you change your work schedule, even just by an hour or two? When my daughter was little I worked 6-2, which was brutal but got me time with her in the afternoon. Now it’s more like 7:30- 3:30, which gives us all the after school time.
Third bit of advice (finally) echoing on Jo above- there is a theory that kiddos need more direct parent time later in life rather than earlier. My goal has been to be working part time by high school/late middle school. It’s been a struggle but I think we might make it work. Ok, I guess that’s not advice- just info. I may still be slightly sleep deprived!
Oh, my heart is hurting for you. You can’t compare your sadness to anyone elses – it’s yours, and it’s real, and it’s affecting your life. I am not a mama or married (which I’m still hoping for, and can def. cause my own funk to surface), so I can’t relate to the feelings you’re having, but as a fellow woman, it hurts to see others hurting. Your little guy is so cute! I hope as you wade through this bog things will get easier and maybe you’ll figure out a way to be able to stay home with him. <3
Please don’t take this the wrong way but have you ever talked with anyone about post-partum depression? It’s a very real thing and doesn’t always present itself immediately after the baby is born. I felt so blah, irritable and sad for so long too. Like you, I felt that I knew the reason why (different reason than you) but I just didn’t feel like myself because of it and I couldn’t snap out of my funk no matter how hard I tried. I went to a doctor about it (Alexander was already a year old at this point) and got on medication and it was the best thing I could have done. The reasons for my funk (depression/anxiety/whatever you want to call it) are still there, but I’m able to live my life without letting it get to me. I feel like myself again. Not saying you need to be on meds, but it was SO immensely helpful for me post-partum.
Oh girl, I know exactly how you feel. Even though I’m not working out of my home full time, when I did go back to work (even in the mornings for a few hours) I would come home, see my little guy, and then work again (from home) but it was all just SO much and all I wanted to do was to stop worrying so much about work and just focus 100% on my little one. I would get so jealous that my hubby would be able to be with him all morning and not have any other work obligations to worry about. Even when I wasn’t at work, I was still working and ALWAYS thinking about it. I would come home and cry almost every day. It’s definitely gotten better, but it’s a continuous balancing act. I finally started letting go of some things I could let go of and gave myself permission to not feel guilty about not working during the day and saved as much as I could for at night after G went to bed. Like I said, we are in totally different situations, but being a working mama is not easy, just as I imagine being a full time stay at home mama isn’t easy either. Hang in there sweetie, it WILL get better! Lots of love!
I appreciate your honesty and agree with what Coco said. I have a toddler and I felt the exact same way. Fox will sleep better and as he gets older he’ll stay up later so you have more time together. I always cherish the weekendswe have as a family.
This post wasn’t dumb, it was great. I’m sick of these women who portray their lives as “working” moms and wives as so easy and special and wonderful. That shit ain’t real. This is real. I don’t have kids yet but when I do I’ll be in the same place you are now and TBH it scares me. I worry about getting myself and a kid ready in the morning, getting to daycare and work then daycare and home and I know I’ll have my husbands help but let’s face it I’m a control freak…which seriously will have to change by then. It scares me because I don’t want to be away from my future kid and I wish I could stay home and go to Gymboree and music class and blah blah whatever else kids do during the day but I can’t. Things aren’t cheap and unless we want to become a one car family and start wearing potato sacks as clothes, I have to work. It blows but it’s reality. I know I’ll be depressed about and that worries me too. You’re giving Fox a great life by being a working mom – he gets to bond with your mom and husband, interact with the nanny and other kids (I think she takes care of others kids as well? I thought I saw that on here once). He’s learning how to socialize and be around new faces, he’s having fun! And you can give him so much more and provide for him so much better by working.
Sorry I’m being so “tough love” but I feel like I’m writing this to myself too. It stinks, but it will pass. You’ll get the hang of it and maybe someday you’ll win the lottery and won’t have to work ever again :) just don’t buy the mega millions tickets…I’m trying to win and I don’t wanna share ;)
Sending you BIG hugs!
I love you and your honesty…just wanted you to know that! I’m 10 weeks postpartum and go back to work in 2 weeks. I’ve already started crying and when I went to visit the day care, i cried the entire time (they probably thought I was some crazy lady). I can’t imagine leaving my little one with anyone else and only getting to spend 2 hours with her at night?!?! My heart aches. Thank you for being real and just know that there are a ton of us moms in the same boat as you!
I cried when I first visited the daycare too!
I cried too when I visited ours – and then ended up finding a friend at church who could take her. It was SO much easier driving her to a friend’s house each day than a daycare center. Even if it is only for a few months it helped the transition go much smoother for me.
You are not alone. 2 YEARS post partum, full time worken momma (and student) and I still haven’t found the time for me. Though I’m happy now and things are good and my baby girl is happy and thriving. I know I’ll get to the place of fitness when I’m ready, but mentally me and baby are doing great…so my dear…this too shall pass. Hang in there and snuggle that baby hard. <3
Man, I could have written this four months ago (when I had to return to work FT.) I don’t think it really gets easier but we have adapted quite a bit. I still haven’t really figured out exercise because like you, I only get to see my baby about 2 hours a day and I just simply am not willing to sacrifice that, it’s my top priority. But other things have gotten easier, or more like we’ve gotten into a groove with it. I am still working on trying to quit my FT job later this summer after I finish my Master’s degree and looking for something PT or freelance. I NEVER in a million years thought I would want to stay home!
I can relate to a lot of what you’ve mentioned here. I went back to work when my 9 month old was 12 weeks old. It is still difficult at times and I hate pumping too. I’d much rather just feed my baby from the source! I miss him so much when I’m away but I try to savor the time we do get to spend together, even if he’s asleep.
Hang in there. I hope things get better for you!
PS. It’s refreshing to read a blog where it’s evident the writer loves their child wholeheartedly. Too many seem to gloss over that and just focus on getting back in shape, losing the baby weight, restricting food, etc. I didn’t read your blog before you got pregnant but I’ve enjoyed the honesty and perspective you’ve offered. I can definitely relate to you. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you so much for this brutally honest post! I’m currently 30 weeks pregnant and know my whole routine is going to change so dramatically once this little guy is born, but I don’t think it has really hit me in terms of what those routine changes will do to me physically, mentally, and emotionally. Perhaps it really isn’t something you can prepare for. Thank you!!
Yes, yes, a million times yes. I’ve been reading off and on for years, and have loved trying your recipes and workouts.
Now, as a first-time new mom myself, LO is 8 weeks, I love reading your first time mom tips. It’s almost as if we’ve grown up together in a way:) (That sounds kind of creepy.)
I, too, went back to work at 6 weeks. I feel like all I do is complain about not taking a full 12-week leave. I can’t count the # of times I’ve told my husband that if I had it to do over, I’d take more time. I need more time. But, when you’re reliant on 2 incomes, it’s just a choice I had to make. (Don’t get me started on US maternity leave policy. What a joke.)
I’m lucky that I get to work from home 3 days a week now, but the 2 days I’m away are so, so hard. Like, crying on the way to work, in the middle of the day, speeding home to pick up my baby hard. The gym seems like a waste of time on days that I have precious few hours with her. And, at the end of the day, what will we remember? A great cardio session or that one time baby smiled and blew a bubble and burst our heart into a million pieces?
Being a working mom is so difficult. Just trust that you’re doing what’s best for your little guy. And think about how proud he’ll be someday when he realizes your sacrifice. Keep your head up, you’re doing awesome!
Being a Mom is incredibly difficult, especially when you have to work. I thank my lucky stars that I only have to work part time. Oh and pumping is the freaking pits. I totally feel for you on that. I think it’s good to put this honesty out there because sometimes I think new Mom’s feel alone. Hang in there girl! Hugs!
As the saying goes, the only thing constant in life is change. It’s interesting that just a couple years ago (longtime reader here, who also is unsure about having kids), kids weren’t in your cards, and now you are struggling with not being with Fox. it just puts into perspective that whether good or bad, things will change. Hang in there, it will get better! :)
Aw, I totally appreciate this honest post and don’t think it sounds whiny at all. You’re allowed to feel a certain way, no matter if you feel like “shouldn’t” be feeling that way, and ignoring your feelings won’t help. So I’m glad you were able to get all of this out!
Remember, you’re a human. Life is made up of stages and while this is a tough one, it will get easier! And I honestly admire you for putting Fox first and it’s inspiring to see a mom that loves her son SOOO damn much. It warms my heart! I can just feel it from the way you write about him. Be proud of how much love you are capable of radiating just from your words alone!
Have a good weekend :)
You will be just fine.
What about an evening mom&baby workout program.
It might take a couple groups to find out which one you click with but that might help with your mind,body and soul situation.
Remember to also have you and hubby time : )
Like many others said above, I totally feel like I could have written this myself. My daughter is ten months old, and I am still struggling with this whole working (and pumping….oh how I HATE pumping) thing. In addition to feeling guilty about being away from her so much, I also feel like I’ve not been a good enough wife or friend. And I’ve also let exercise fall to the wayside. I go in spurts, but it’s just NOT a priority right now.
I wish I had a solution, or a scholarship to give out for working moms to become SAHMs (I would totally give both of us one). I hope that our situation changes one day and I’ll be able to work at least PT, but I need to not put all of my eggs in that basket.
Anyway, just know that you aren’t alone in this. It was comforting to me reading through all of the comments, knowing that SO many other mamas out there feel the same! Hang in there. Fox is adorable, healthy, and SO happy–you’re doin’ a great job.
Oh man I’m sorry to hear it’s been rough, J…and we all know you’re not seeking pity but this isn’t pity – we all just love you! I don’t have a baby and can only imagine how hard that would be, but I can relate to life being pretty good but feeling down and out – I hate that too but it’s so good to be honest. I cry all the time because I miss my family! ha…Just how I feel and the reality of living away, even though so many things in my life are amazing. Tough to come to grips with that emotion but the reality all at the same time. Wish I could help somehow! Keep soaking up that time with Fox and give Marshall some good long hugs. :) Love you!
I totally understand all of your feelings and struggle with them myself! My goals and mindset have changed so drastically since becoming a first time mom- I now just focus on maximum quality time with my boy after work. If he is not napping after work/daycare (which he usually is), then screw cooking dinner- we can just call in delivery again- we are going to play! I CELEBRATE when I manage to do a couple squats or go for a walk. Instead of following a diet plan, I am just trying to not eat the WHOLE bag of chips before bed. As far as work goes, I just think I went through the SUPER hard part of not seeing my son the majority of the work week early on when I had to go back full time at 12 weeks (he is now 9 months). I definitely cried at work just missing him and cursing the world several times! It is probably even harder on you now at 8 months old having to go through that transition! Just remember that he is doing just fine and no matter what you are his #1 and he cherishes seeing you after a long day just as much as you do. I promise it gets easier.
Thanks for always being real with us, always happy to read your thoughts!
Sending you tons of support and huge kudos for your honesty. You don’t need to zip it and suck it up. Not at all. You’re doing exactly the right thing by expressing your feelings and situation.
I want to say that as I read your post, I couldn’t help but think of post-partum depression. It can affect women up to a year after giving birth and it doesn’t show up for everyone in the same way. I would really advocate for speaking with a counselor during this time. Sending lots of love your way <3
This post really hit home for me and I share many of your same feelings and concerns. I am a first-time working mom, struggling to find a balance and overcome feelings of guilt for many reasons. I used to workout all the time but if the baby is home and awake, I want to spend that time with her. But then I don’t feel great not working out and think I could improve in the eating department also. It’s a vicious cycle! The positive is that our little ones are in good hands when we aren’t with them and we certainly make the most of the time we have. Just know your not alone and your doing the best you can! Hang in there!
I just found your website today, and it is crazy how much you sound like me. I have a just-turned-2 year old. Before her, I worked out like a machine, ate like a dietician, and had a ton of hobbies. After her, all I do is work. I get to see her for 1.5 hours a night before she goes to bed. It sucks. I love my time with her, but feel like I’m missing out on everything. She’s been a notoriously bad sleeper, so until very recently (like, very) I basically didn’t have a full night’s sleep in almost 3 years (pregnancy included). My sister told me that is why I now basically shovel chocolate/ice cream down my gullet when it barely appealed to me before… sugar = fast energy. I’m about 15-20lbs above where I was before getting pregnant, eat terribly, and do nothing but work and covet my few hours with my daughter.
Okay, well, all this to say, I feel ya. You are not alone, and there are a LOT of mammas out there who feel exactly the way we do. Hang in there.
I have no wisdom to impart because I’m not a mom. But I really hope it gets easier. Don’t beat yourself up too much. Be good to yourself. Holding yourself to former standards is not going to help! You’re just adjusting to what is arguably life’s biggest change. Love goes a long way and I know there’s definitely no shortage of it in your household <3 <3
Oh, yes, and pumping is horrendous, but also such a wonderful thing… but terrible. So nice we can do that for our babies when we can’t be with them… but ugh.
Thank you Janetha for this honest post. You really are my favorite blogger because you are so real about your feelings. I wish you the best in this funk. I’m sure you well know that it will turn around eventually.
we may not be in the exact same situation, but being a mom is hard work. I know everyone says making time for mom makes you a better mom, but it can be incredibly difficult. I’m a few months out from having baby #2 and I have zero idea how I’m going to manage it all (my husband is legally blind, so that adds a layer of difficulty of things that I have to do and can’t outsource to him lol). I’m excited of course, but also so scared. Sending you love and strength during this tough time!! Xoxo
The struggle is so real. My daughter is a few weeks older than your little man and I feel very similar. I wish I had some magical solution. Just know that you’re not alone.
I haven’t scrolled through any of the comments so hopefully what i say doesn’t sound like a broken record!! I got the luxury to be a SAHM when my daughter was born and l-o-v-e-d it, having all the memories you cherish when they’re changing so fast! and then 1 yr hits and honestly, while they start developing amazing personalities and growing up and speaking and all that fun stuff, they stop changing SO DRAMATICALLY like they did in the first year. and while, unless you find a way to be a SAHM, it will probably still be a bummer to know that they’re growing up for someone else those hours a day you’re at work, they don’t change in the blink of an eye (more like 2 blinks now :P) quite as much as they do the first year. I feel like I can’t really say that b/c I still get to stay home w/ my girl, but if someone had offered me a job during the first year, I would’ve said Hell no! But now, I feel like I got my solid year with her and i wouldn’t be devestated (and am not devestated) when I have to leave her every so often w/ a grandma so I can get things done! Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to work out over sleep. sleep will fix EVERYTHING that feels immediately wrong (b/c sleep deprivation, as you know, makes you CRAAAAY) and exercise will always be there! Plus, I’ve found so much joy squeezing in teeny workouts at home (even though 2 yrs post partum i still feel like my legs will nevereverever regain their ability to feel strong!) Everyone’s journey is different but no matter how much or how little you see your son, he will know how much you love him and will never hold it against you the time you put in to your job. and you really will adapt to it, I know that much!! :D
Unfortunately I too know how you feel. I had a hard maternity leave dealing with PPD and wanting to walk away from my crying baby. We did not have success BFing, so I exclusively pumped for 8-weeks… I finally realized I was so unhappy doing it that I had to give it up for myself. Yes, that meant my baby was going to get formula, but it was good for me to put myself first in that moment and do something for ME. Now she’s 3-months old and still drinking mixed BM and formula bottles and is actually much happier (it solved her gas/stomach issues). I sound good with it all now, but I cried for weeks on end about how I was letting her down, putting myself first and ending my BM production when I made more than twice what she ate per day when some mother’s could not keep up. The guilt is unreal we put on ourselves as mothers.
Today I went shopping over lunch to buy new pants because I can’t wear my pre-pregnancy ones and it’s a horrible self esteem booster to still be sporting my maternity ones. I didn’t have any luck because my muffin top popped out of all of them and I left empty-handed. Ugh.
I too understand my body will be different but I too hate not knowing what I’m going to wear each morning because nothing. fits. It doesn’t mean I (we) don’t appreciate what our bodies did or love and cherish our babies – it’s normal to feel sad about what used to be.
I work out 4 nights a week after I put Lena to bed. It’s super hard, but I always feel better after I do it. I miss the group activities and having others push me to do better, but at least I’m moving. Or at least that’s what I tell myself when I still can’t fit into my pants…
This may be the best blog post I have ever read. I am so appreciative of your honesty! And, I want you to know you are not alone (and thanks for helping me realize I am not alone!). I, too, am a first time mom with a 6 month old. I feel the same about it all! Missing baby/old habits/exercise/healthy food/body/sleep/husband time/social life, hating pumping, and loving baby so much! Thanks for your honesty about the first time mom stuff! I don’t have any words of wisdom (besides focusing on all of the blessings/positives like you said!), but wanted to say thanks and that so many of us can relate!
I feel like many woman are afraid to say that they are struggling with trying to do it all, be a good mom, work, take care of your husband your family and yourself. Thank you for saying something that I feel a lot too! I can say you definitely are not alone. Being a mom, while wonderful and amazing can be hard. Being a wife can be hard, and finding time to care for you in the mix can be hard! Doesnt mean you dont know that you are lucky, just that you are real. Thank you for making me feel like i’m not a crazy person for being sad when i’m so lucky. Love your blog. Check it every day to see what you wrote, food, fitness or life. Love it all.
We’re all there with you. Parenting is hard, and the world definitely makes it harder. I have a friend who had a baby in December, and she is experiencing the same thing you are. I’ve been a working mom while raising my daughter. I remember making those choices you’re making now. Time with your child trumps all other endeavors. However, there is light at the end of the tunnel. As Fox gets older, eating right and exercising will become part of your family life. Making sure he is eating healthy will become a priority you will also benefit from. And one that little guy gets more mobile – you will find you do too! Your exercise regime becomes playing, but it’s great. What you are feeling now is totally normal and okay. Don’t beat yourself up about it. There are times and seasons to our lives. We’re cheering for you!
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