picking up where i left off.

by Janetha on February 15, 2011

in meals

i can’t even count how many valentine’s day recap posts i have read today! i think that blog world loves valentine’s day even more than thanksgiving or christmas. or at least that’s what it seems like from all the fun, lovely and cute posts.

i will try to keep the details from my valentine’s day celebration short. as i mentioned, marshall & i don’t make a big to-do about the holiday. but we do have one tradition: marshall makes me tacos.

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he has a big plate of tacos and i have a big taco salad. this was our third year (and third different kitchen!) doing this. it was actually our fourth valentine’s day together. the first year we were dating, we did the whole cliché thing. nice dinner out to a super expensive restaurant, chocolate fondue and really pricey, nice gifts for each other. after one valentine’s day like that, we realized it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and have been eating tacos ever since. fine by me!

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i did get marshall a pair of sanuks.. not for valentine’s day necessarily, but it was a good reason to get them. i’d been meaning to buy him a black pair ever since he told me how much he likes his multicolored pair.

what is really exciting is what he got for me. a card. just a card. but it’s what the card said that is the best thing ever. “hair goes to heaven in 2011”—with a little note saying that he will shave his face any time i ask him to for a WHOLE YEAR. someone pinch me.. i’m dreaming.  i hate scratchy facial hair. he hates shaving. you guys, this is true love.

this shouldn’t come as a shock: i made homemade oreo (newmanO) ice cream for dessert.

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i swear i am going to try making healthy ice cream with my ice cream maker. sometime soon. maybe. in the meantime, ben & jerry’s recipe for cookies & cream ice cream is fine by me!

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we ended up falling asleep on the couch last night. this happens a lot, but we usually meander into the bedroom after about an hour of what i call “couch sleep”. i don’t think couch sleep is equal to real (bed) sleep. you just aren’t as rested after couch sleep. but, get this, we never ended up going to our bed! ughh.. 7 hours of couch sleep later and i felt like i’d been up all night. don’t ask me why i didn’t bother to get up and go to my bed. i am still asking myself the same question.

ANYWAY—love crunch giveaway winner=#61!

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congratulations, please send me your mailing address so i can sent you your love crunch!

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i realize my memory is not the best. if you have been reading my blog for awhile, you probably realize this, too.  i say i am going to post about something and then TOTALLY space it. it isn’t that i am flaky, just forgetful.

this time, however, i am not flaky OR forgetful. i have just been on vacation and had to recap my trip! that is my excuse and i’m sticking to it. oh, are you wondering what i am even talking about?

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remember when i started the 30 day challenge? yeah. i left off on number four and high tailed it to mexico. i am back, caught up and ready to pick back up where i left off. it may not be a 30 day challenge, but you can bet i will make it through the challenge.. eventually. 

number 5: talk about a time you thought about ending your own life.

this is a topic i try not to think about too often. i am past the bad experiences in my life that made me want to kill myself and i figure those thoughts are best left alone. but, a challenge is a challenge, so i will ramble a little bit about the topic.

beginning in jr high and continuing into high school, i was friends with a group of about 10 girls. we were all really close friends and hung out all the time. i considered these girls my very best friends! in fact, my current best friend, kristen, was one of them. we go way back. here is a photo of us in jr. high for your viewing pleasure:

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my house was a popular hangout. two of our guy friends lived directly next door to me and so our houses were kind of the meeting ground for us to hang out. we couldn’t drive, so we usually just sat in someone’s basement or in adjoining backyards. plus, momma b always stocked our house with tons of good snacks. what can i say, my house was fun and we were ALWAYS there.  me and my very best girl friends. and our guy friends, of course.

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anyway, i am not sure what led up to this, but in 9th grade (and part of 10th) i became the victim of being bullied. not by other peers.. but by some of these girls who i considered my best friends. they just started being really mean to me. i had NO idea why. maybe it was because of the funky pointing thing i am doing in this photo?

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by the way, this was at a sleepover and i was in pajamas.. i didn’t wear oversized men’s fila Tshirts aside from pajama time.

every day was like hell.. i can’t recount every example but here are a few things they did:

  • verbally put me down any chance that came up
  • buried my new dr. marten sandals deep into the mud (at a sleepover)
  • put gum in my hair (at a sleepover)
  • constantly made fun of the mole on my nose (i had it removed at the age of 18—that is a story for another day)
  • constantly left me out of inside jokes and said them around me all the time
  • someone peed in a bottle of coke and it was passed off to me to drink, i didn’t know it had been peed in until someone told me.. yeah, gross
  • wrote “we hate you, DIE” on my bedroom window in shaving cream

the last one is probably the worst. even worse than the pee/coke thing. i will never be able to erase the mental image i have from seeing that written on my window. ew, i can’t even think about it. this was so hard for me to handle! kristen and a few of the other girls (one even reads my blog—hi kristin!) weren’t a part of the bullying, but it surprised me to know that my so called “best friends” had been doing these things to me. there was a ringleader, sara, who.. for SOME unknown reason.. had power over our other friends. she was popular and apparently people would just do what she told them to do.. even at the expense of my feelings.

ugh, this is shitty to think about and to write about.

so, i tried to kill myself. hmm.. i don’t think i have ever typed that out. i thought about it for a long time and wrote my feelings in a notebook. i even left individual notes to people for them to see after i was gone. i researched ways to do it and i eventually decided the best thing to do was try to drown myself in the bathtub. oh my gosh, that sounds horrible, what was i thinking?! clearly, i wasn’t. i was a mentally abused teenager who believed there was nothing to live for and life was totally over.

good thing i am a wuss, because i didn’t go through with anything. it was too scary and hard! i wanted to be dead but i didn’t want to do the deed. if that makes sense. i didn’t kill myself but i also became super depressed. because of the extreme amount of bullying that i endured, i believed i was worthless. who would want to spend time being my friend? yes, i was still friends with the girls who were in our tight circle but didn’t participate in the bullying, but THEY were friends with the mean girls (as i call them) and so it created quite a conflict of interest.

as i got older, i made other girl friends in high school and stopped hanging out with the other girls for the most part. we still were always around each other, but i just felt like crap whenever i was around them. especially the ringleader. oh, she was so mean. i can’t even imagine why she ever wanted to be so mean. i mean, why? what’s the use?

sorry this recollection is a little random and blurry. i think the drugs i did in my younger years have fogged my memory a tad. no, seriously.. my memory sucks. but you get the gist of what i went through.

i am so glad i was able to make other friends, REAL friends, (and keep the old ones who are still near and dear to me—just not the mean ones) and move on from the whole horrible experience. i learned a lot about life. even though i had to shed a lot of tears and think a lot of negative things about myself, i got through it. and came out a stronger person because of it. for sure.

and now i love my life. i still deal with drama among friends, but i have grown up enough to know that while growing apart from close friends sucks A LOT, it is not worth killing yourself over.

sure am glad i made it through my teenage years.

i sometimes wonder what those girls think of how they treated me. i wonder if they know what they did to my head. i know most of them have children of their own now.. i hope they teach their children to be kind to everyone and not do any of the horrible things they did when they were younger.

what i want to end this with is a request. PLEASE make an effort to be nice to everyone you talk to.. every day. you never know if someone is experiencing bullying or what their personal life is like. and one negative comment could set them right over the edge to do something drastic. i try to be nice to everyone and be friends with everyone. life’s just better that way.

whew. that was heavy. i need some ice cream.

Qs~

1. i am not going to ask you to tell me a time you wanted to kill yourself.. BUT, i do want to hear if you have any experience with bullying? have you ever had to deal with it in any way? i bet a few bloggie teachers have dealt with it! hopefully none of you were victims of it like i was. feel free to chime in with anything you want to say!

2. how do you feel about facial hair? i don’t mind how it looks.. but i hate kissing marshall’s scruffy face. (of course, that doesn’t stop me!)

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Calee (@chimes) March 20, 2012 at 10:15 am

I swear I feel like a creepy stalker every time I read your blog. I got to this post via the Momma B post that talked about her stroke. I had to read because I’ve had a history of suicide in my family and I’ve definitely thought about it at certain points. Not anymore, but only when things have gotten so shitty and unbearable, like what you were talking about above.

I had a group of similar friends (I think we all did) and I was one of the two that was made fun of or left out. We were always vying for the ringleader’s attention and she wasn’t the mean one. It was the two that were her sidekicks who wanted her position. She was actually very sweet and stuck up for the two that kept getting made fun of by the others. I was best friends with her in middle school, then we changed friends and she became the ringleader of our group.

However, they never ever bullied us the way you described above. It was bullying-lite. There was definitely bullying going on in our school, but our group tried to stop the bigger, meaner bullying when we witnessed it — similar things to what you described happening to you were happening to other kids in our class and we didn’t like it.

When I thought about dying, I didn’t know how I was going to do it. I’m glad that I hadn’t gotten that far, but all I knew was that at that point all I wanted was release.

So glad they stopped bullying you and that you weren’t scarred to the point where you couldn’t be yourself anymore. There’s nothing worse than that!

Janetha March 20, 2012 at 10:27 am

Glad you found this post and took a moment to share your experience! xoxo

Alek Prus September 8, 2012 at 10:45 am

Wow that is an amazing story. I am so sorry you ha to go through that. I was and still am bullied done , it use to be frequent but it is gettin better!

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